Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes...why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?    (yes)
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a 'walk'?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? DUH !!!!!!!
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign "DEER CROSSING"?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a 'civil' war?
If God dropped acid, would He see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
I live in my own little world.  But it's OK... they know me here. 
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "GUESS" on it.  I said, "Implants?" 
I don't do drugs any more 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast. 
Sign in Chinese pet store:  "Buy one dog, get one flea." 
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 
I got a sweater for Christmas ... I wanted a screamer or a moaner. 
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 
I don't approve of political jokes . I've seen too many of them get elected. 
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 
There are two sides to every divorce; yours and Shithead's. 
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.  But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades .... now THAT'S a message!! 
I love being married.  It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 
Shopping tip:  You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley. 
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect. 
I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately! 
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 
Two peanuts were walking down the street.  One was a salted. 
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? 
How come we choose from just two people for President and 50 for Miss America? 
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 
Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 
The next time you feel like complaining, remember:  Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. 
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words "Don't pick that up! You don't know WHERE it's been!"
