 violently hits %slap.nick with a large metal baseball bat
 throws rotten eggs at %slap.nick $+ 's head
 punch's %spin.nick and shoves a tampon up %slap.nick $+ 's nose to make it stop bleeding
 flogs %slap.nick up side da head with his old 286 computer.  Chips fly everywhere. Hard drive slows significantly and %slap.nick also slows significantly. τΏτ
 pulls out a BIG stick and slaps %slap.nick 's butt for a little while, hope it hurts!
 slaps %slap.nick around a while with his BIG RED autoexec.bat!
 slaps %slap.nick with a rolled up newspaper and then says "BAD DOG!!!"
 slaps %slap.nick with a soft feather pillow!
 gets a steel bat and smashes %slap.nick with it... "BATTER UP!!"
 picks up a bazooka and shoots continuously at %slap.nick .. BOOM BOOM BOOM
 grabs %slap.nick pulls them close and takes a nice bite out of their neck. Then jumps back and says "Why %slap.nick you taste sour!"
 puts %slap.nick into orbit aboard the latest lamer space shuttle. See if you can get back from there!
 sticks a shiny red bow on %slap.nick 's head, then says "It really suits ya!".
 sticks a RED HOT curling iron in %slap.nick 's ear and swishes there brain around for awhile.  Is it clear now???
 aims a  World War II surplus flame thrower at %slap.nick 's marshmellow, singeing %slap.nick eyebrows.  Hope you like roasted marshmellows!!
 slaps %slap.nick around with a stinking old smelly fish!!!
 CAUTION %slap.nick is in the room, CAUTION
 flogs %slap.nick 's head with a wet, partially plucked chicken.  White chicken feathers fall like giant snowflakes.  %slap.nick goes down for the count.
 pulls out the dart shooter and loads and cocks it aims at %slap.nick and fires hitting %slap.nick right on the tushie with the rubber dart!
