You know you're a redneck if you go to a family reunion looking for a girlfriend! 
You might be a redneck if you drive your truck through a metal detector...and it doesn't go off!
You might be a redneck if your dog rides in your truck more than your wife! 
You might be a redneck if you wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations! 
You might be a redneck if you've ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house! 
You might be a redneck if you've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket! 
You might be a redneck if you can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but can't recall your wife's birthday! 
You might be a redneck if you've used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper! 
You might be a redneck if you've driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops! 
You might be a redneck if you've borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway! 
You might be a redneck if you've buried a dog and cried like a baby! 
You might be a redneck if you've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples!
You know you're a redneck when your stair master has an ashtray!
You might be a redneck if your jack-o lantern on your porch has more teeth than you do!
You might be a redneck if you've ever been asked to leave a yardsale!
You might be a redneck if you can french kiss with a toothpick in your mouth!
You might be a redneck if your daddy walked you to school and you are both in the same grade!
You know you're a redneck when someone yells "Hoedown!" and your date drop to the floor!
You might be a redneck if you can french kiss yer girlfriend without parting your teeth!
You might be a redneck if the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day!
You might be a redneck if your wife ever says, "Take the carburetor out of the tub so I can take a bath,"!
You might be a redneck if loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk!
You might be a redneck if 29 out of the 30 words you use aren't in the dictionary!
You might be redneck if your house has more miles on it than your car!
You might be a redneck if you use the same tree your dog does!
You might be a redneck if you don't let friends drive home drunk, but get drunk and ride with them!
You might be a redneck if you use your ironing board as a buffet table! 
You might be a redneck if your TV antenna is a bread tie!
If you think turtleneck is an ingredient in soup, you might be a redneck!
You might be a redneck if you don't know what day Saturday Night Live comes on TV!
You can tell you're a Redneck when you walk with your son to school because you're in the same grade! 
You might be a redneck if the most common phrase in your house is, “Someone go jiggle the handle.”! 
You might be a redneck if you drive a rusted out pickup, with a chrome balespike!
You might be a redneck if you study for a blood test!
You might be a redneck if anyone in your family died right after saying, ''Hey, y'all watch this!'' 
You might be a redneck if you go to your family reunion to meet women! 
You might be a redneck if your senior prom had daycare!  
You might be a redneck if you think the last words of the ''Star Spangled Banner'' are ''Gentlemen! Start your engines!''
You might be a redneck if the Bluebook value of your truck changes with the amount of gas you have in it! 
You might be a redneck if you think a woman who is ''out of your league'' bowls on a different night! 
You might be a redneck if you think Dom Perignon is a mafia boss! 
You might be a redneck if last year you hid Easter eggs under cowpies!
You might be a redneck if you high school fight song was ''Dueling Banjos!'' 
You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something from your fridge! 
You might be a redneck if you think genitalia is an Italian airline! 
You might be a redneck if your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan! 
You might be a redneck if you've been married three times and you still have the same in-laws! 
You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it! 
You might be a redneck if you lit a match in your bathroom it blew your house off its wheels! 
You might be a redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers on it! 
You might be a redneck if one of your kids was born on a pool table! 
You might be a redneck if you take a six-pack cooler to church! 
You might be a redneck if you wonder how service stations keep their bathrooms so clean! 
You might be a redneck if you only need another holepunch to get your freebie at the House of Tattoos!  
You might be a redneck if Jack Daniels makes your list of ''Most Admired People!'' 
You might be a redneck if you think all-star wrestling should be an Olympic sport! 
You might be a redneck if your mother has ammo on her Christmas list! 
You might be a redneck if ''Bambi'' made you hungry for rabbit! 
You might be a redneck if your wedding reception included a beer brunch! 
You might be a redneck if there has ever been a crime scene tape across your bathroom door! 
You might be a redneck if you've ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately! 
You might be a redneck if you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog! 
You might be a redneck if your dog can't watch you eat without gagging! 
You might be a redneck if you ever got too drunk to fish! 
You might be a redneck if you're considered an expert on worm beds! 
You might be a redneck if you clean your fingernails with a stick! 
You might be a redneck if your lifelong goal is to own a fireworks stand. 
You might be a redneck if your gas pedal in the car is shaped like a bare foot! 
You might be a redneck if you've ever bought a used hat! 
You might be a redneck if you recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck! 
You might be a redneck if directions to your house include ''Turn off the paved road...'' 
You might be a redneck if you were shooting pool when any of your children were born! 
You might be a redneck if your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen! 
You might be a redneck if you prefer car keys to Q-Tips! 
You might be a redneck if you've ever give a rat trap as a gift!
You might be a redneck if you think the French Riviera is a foreign car! 
You might be a redneck if you consider the fifth grade your senior year! 
You might be a redneck if you like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk! 
You might be a redneck if you think subdivision is part of a math problem! 
You might be a redneck if you've totaled every car you've ever owned! 
You might be a redneck if you can name everyone you graduated with! 
You might be a redneck if you get a whiff of manure and think of home! 
You might be a redneck if you know what 4-H is! 
You might be a redneck if you ever went to "headlight parties"! 
You might be a redneck if you used to drag "main"! 
You might be a redneck if you said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour! 
You might be a redneck if you schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't! 
You might be a redneck if you ever went outhouse-tipping! 
You might be a redneck if almost everyone in your school also has a cousin in your school! 
You might be a redneck if school gets canceled for state sporting events! 
You might be a redneck if the town's social events are their children's! 
You might be a redneck if you could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough they'd tell your parents anyway)! 
You might be a redneck if when you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them! 
You might be a redneck if you were ever in the Homecoming parade! 
You might be a redneck if no place sells gas on Sunday! 
You might be a redneck if Friday night fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater to see a movie that came out six months ago! 
You might be a redneck if it was cool to date someone from the neighboring town! 
 You might be a redneck if you had senior skip day! 
You might be a redneck if you could recite the school colors and mascot of all schools in your conference! 
You might be a redneck if whenever you decided to walk to school for exercise, twenty cars pulled over and offered you a lift! 
You might be a redneck if you could set your book bag in the hall at lunchtime and it would still be there when you came out of the cafeteria! 
You might be a redneck if there were three generations of your family in the same bleacher row at every home game! 
You might be a redneck if you know all the old veterans carrying the flags in the 4th of July parade! 
You might be a redneck if you know everybody in the 4th of July parade! 
You might be a redneck if your only newspaper was a weekly! 
You might be a redneck if the mini-mall you now shop at has more stores than your entire home town! 
You might be a redneck if loitering isn't a bad thing; it's the only thing! 
You might be a redneck if you refer to THE stop light! 
You might be a redneck if you don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but by references  ("Turn right by Harold's Hardware, go two blocks past Anderson's, and it's the fourth house on the left past the football field)! 
You might be a redneck if YOU CALL LUNCH-DINNER AND DINNER-SUPPER!!!!!!!!!!
You might be a redneck if you buy soda from a pop machine (My editors called me up to ask me where I grew up when I referred to a soda dispenser as a pop machine in a sidebar of the network security book)! 
You might be a redneck if they have to grade your street after every winter to get rid of the ruts in the gravel after the snow melts! 
You might be a redneck if that USPS Priority Mail next-day guarantee does not apply for your zipcode! 
You might be a redneck if you have a propane tank providing heat to your house! 
You might be a redneck if after deciding where you wanted to have trees on your property you cut the rest down (this is more of a north-west thing.)! 
You might be a redneck if you paid more for your car than you did for your property! 
You might be a redneck if you have a red-and-black quilted lumberjack shirt, and you wear it to chop down trees! 
You might be a redneck if you have used the auxiliary electrical generator in the shed to power your home! 
You might be a redneck if your television receives only two broadcast stations. Neither one is FOX! 
You might be a redneck if your FM radio will pick up only country-western music, televangelists, and right-wing talk radio programming! 
You might be a redneck if you personally know people who live in compounds! 
You might be a redneck if there is NO DAMMNED WAY to get an ethernet adapter on a week-end without driving 150 miles! 